i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
Is it a bad thing that the only time i wear nice clothes to class, is when i get too fucked up the night before and wear the same clothes i went out in?
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
I think I freaked him out last night. We got back to my place and I made chicken nuggets, chicken Alfredo, and half of one of those huge oreida hashbrown bags. And then ate all of it
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
Randomize
