i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
I wish i knew how bad drinking and hieghts were before i got up here
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
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