remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
they told me they were banning four lokos so yeah i did have to buy 42 of them
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
