What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
How's work?
Spinning.
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
