He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
i find it depressing how it takes me longer to find a good video compared to the actual jacking off process.
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
Randomize
