If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
i want to major in coloring with an emphasis on crayons.
so finals studying is going well?
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
ANNA HAS DISCOVERED EROTIC FANFICTION OF SHARKNADO THIS IS NOT A DRILL
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
Most people that see those numbers aren't going to realize what they mean and those that do will think 'oh those must be her favorite hockey players' and not 'oh she wants to see those hockey players fuck each other'.
Randomize