I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
But you've got to admit , for how blackout I was I look fucking unreal in those pictures
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
Randomize
