I'm so fucking centered right now
Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
I just bought a CD. I feel like a traitor to my generation.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
It was crazy man, at one point after already going 3 rounds I tried to breakaway for a smoke...she yanked me by the nipple hair back on top of her.
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
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