new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
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