Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
only if we run a train.
done.
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Randomize
