Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
well it doesn't count as a walk of shame if he drops you off at your class in his golf cart
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
Randomize
