Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
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