Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
Laziness has reached now heights if you too unmotivated to buy pot
I think I'm cybering, it's been a while and its more in depth than it was in 8Th grade.
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
Single handedly the worst sex I've ever had just went down. Its like we both laid there after word-less thinking about the other " could they be any worse in bed" ?
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
Randomize