I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
clay aiken is like melissa ehteridge without the guitar.
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
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