There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
Randomize
