if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
You can't motorboat a personality
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
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