What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
I want to be your penis for a week.
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
shots, cocks, socks. bingo
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