wtf someone played my fucking brickbreaker games and lost i had ten fucking lives. ughhh
maybe you did when you were drunk
no way, i wasn't THAT drunk.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
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