Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
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