This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
i agree, on both the sex thing and the unrepentant bastard thing
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
Randomize
