Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
We need to feng shui this bitch.
Randomize
