Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
