It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
Randomize
