I murdered the dance floor call the cops
i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
We played alot of beer pong and ventured into the woods with tiki torches
I have no idea. But I feel like I could climb a mountain and then have sex on it.
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
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