So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
Drinking a pint every 8 mins right now. Power hour aint shit.
Good luck
Trying doe a second hour and I.cant open my eyes
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
Do you think casino weekend will remind us once again that we in fact are not mature enough to be this old?
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
Randomize
