I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
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