Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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