why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
Randomize
