Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
Randomize
