The dr is doing well, he randomly asked if I was bi
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
