last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
You ate ashes out of my bong
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
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