i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
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