If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
The cops high fived after they tackled you
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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