I wish I could teleport
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
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