Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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