How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
Once again there IS no outside bathroom. Never has been, that is the balcony
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
Randomize
