1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
well it was great until i saw his anime body pillow
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
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