So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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