from now on my penis is your penis
I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
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