I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
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