you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
Don't know whats worst me sharding on her a bit or her believing me when i told her she did it...
your youtube search consisted of "food slideshow" and "the angry beavers"
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
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