I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
Randomize
