Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
it's like iHOP with fire
Studying for the exam.. Identifying the portraits using phrases like "large penis"
Woke up un the hot tuv. Climbed out fo the hot tub and fell asleeo. Woke ip again in the hot tub.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
there is a guy passed out on top of me and i don't know what to do. help if you're awake? was anyone anyone expecting someone? maybe he found the wrong room?
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
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