That's kind of creepy but I guess since I'm wearing your dad's pants nothing is off limits anymore
im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
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