i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
Let's just say after this weekend I'm known as Shameous the Irish bar fighter.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
Or maybe I'll just keep introducing myself like, hello, they call me iane because I need the D. Applications are submitted online, women need not apply.
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
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