so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
Randomize
