The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
Randomize
