She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Randomize
