i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
He is going to sleep with me. That's all there is to it. I'm 4 for 4 right now. I'm not making it 4 for 5.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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