I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
