I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
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