Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
Randomize
