id be glad to
I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
I don't send those kind of pictures unless the recipient has already been up close and personal with it. I don't give previews, but I will provide recaps.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
Randomize
