if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
you traded sex for a burrito?
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
considering how much of last night I don't remember and the amount of ones laying on my desk right now, it's safe to say I'm concerned
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
is it just me or does "lol" kill any sort of vibe while sexting?
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
